The Plan
by She-who-loves-fanfiction
Summary: "Lily Evans is scary. Really scary. Especially earlier.Voldemort looked like Peter compared to her then. I'm not even exaggerating. " When Sirius Black accidentally destroys Lily Evans' Potions essay, he's running out of ways to escape her wrath. So, in a moment of pure desperation, he decides to get Lily Evans and James Potter together. I have a PLAN! *DOES EVIL VILLAIN LAUGH!* :)


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. End of story! Or maybe the beginning...  
This is a one-shot in Sirius' perspective set in the Marauders' seventh year.  
Please read and if you liked it, review! Thank you!  
Enjoy xx**

Lily Evans is scary.  
Seriously scary, at times.  
Especially earlier.  
Voldemort looked like Peter compared to her then.  
And I'm not even exaggerating.

OK, so I might have set her Potions homework on fire. The piece that she'd been working on for weeks.  
It was a total accident, but she went all _Bellatrix_ on me! I'd been dodging hexes all day!  
I was running out of options.  
Well, the first couple of options I thought James wouldn't like so they were out; I planned on keeping my head firmly attached to my shoulders, thank you very much. In the end I was left with two options: attempt the unattemptable (yes it's not a word, so sue me), or run away to the Norwegian School for Pirates that James told me about in first year. And the second one didn't sound very...true. Unfortunately.  
I do a great " _ARGHHH!",_ though. _  
_The Norwegian School for Pirates would be lucky to have me.

Anyway, I decided, after much deliberation and groaning and punching my pillow, that Evans should definitely be snogging James by now.  
I know. What was I thinking?  
You're right. I wasn't.  
I did some more ruminating and sighing in despair and tearing up Peter's bedsheets, and I finally came upon the conclusion.  
A bit of snogging should cheer her up, and she might even leave me alone after that.

So I got my creative juices flowing and decided once again, to get them together, Lily Evans and James Potter.  
I made a plan and everything. Do you want to see?  
Who am I kidding, of course you want to see.  
I showed it to Remus, and he added what he thought. I'd usually ignore what he writes, but he knows more about love and all that rubbish, so I thought he could help. He tried his best, bless him.  
( **REMUS-BOLD** )

 _STEP ONE-Convincing Remus to help me.  
The Plan is doomed if I don't have the resident brainbox's support.  
 **Why thank you. It's almost like you're trying to use flattery. I didn't think you knew what that was.**_

 _STEP TWO-Suggestive looks.  
The raising of the eyebrows, the kissy-faces behind the backs, the winks, the whole package.  
 **The strangling of the annoying wing-man, the pit of acid, the entrails-expelling charm, the whole package that will be used on Sirius Black if he does not drop this ridiculous scheme NOW. AND I MEAN RIGHT NOW.**_

 _STEP THREE-Introduce them both to the Tomato Lookalike Club. **The WHAT?  
** Make both participants join the Tomato Lookalike Club, or the TLC to its members, by making them blush so hard that they resemble tomatoes.  
 **He's lost it. Finally lost it.**  
_

 _STEP FOUR- Leave them alone together.  
Leave the participants alone together in a small space with romantic lighting. I personally suggest a broom cupboard.  
NOTE TO SELF: Make sure that you have acquired BOTH participants' wands before shutting the door.  
 **Please, I'd like to see you try to take Lily Evan**_ _ **s' wand. She's mad at you enough as it is.**  
_

 _STEP FIVE (THE GRAND FINALE)-Watch the romance unfold.  
Watch the two participants heartily snog from a convenient hole in the broom cupboard wall, and bask in glory as they kiss, fall in love and have lots of little cute babies called Sirius.  
 **Along with Siriusella, Siriusina, and Siriusly.**  
_

WOO HOO! STEP ONE COMPLETE!  
*DOES EVIL VILLAIN LAUGH!*

We were in position, jus after lunch that Saturday, Remus unwillingly he'd like to add, and I was ready to perform my duty and do some suggestive looks. I was merely stretching my face muscles, but the cute sixth-year who I was going to Hogsmeade with asked Remus if I was feeling alright, so I stopped. It would have been fine, if my _best friend,_ Remus LUPIN, hadn't said that I was imitating a constipated duck.  
This is an OUTRAGE! A SCANDAL! HOW DARE HE SAY I LOOKED LIKE A CONSTIPATED DUCK?!  
I was going for a constipated GOOSE!

Sauntering over, I positioned myself behind Evans, who mercifully hadn't noticed I was there (thank Merlin, or this would be a completely different story: The Healer's at St Mungo's Plan to make Sirius resemble a human being again), and fluttered my eyelashes at James, pouting, very attractively, I might add. Some girls in the corner were practically swooning.

He repaid my diligence and determination to stick to the plan in the best way possible.  
Looking royally confused.  
I jerked my head towards the spawn of Satan and made my best kissy-face.  
He mouthed something that I was biologically unlikely to do with myself.  
So I did the best thing I could.  
I kept going.  
The raising of the magnificent eyebrows, the kissy-faces, the pouting, the hair flicks, I may have even purred at one point.  
I do tend to get carried away.

In the end, fifteen minutes later, all I accomplished was learning some great new insults and threats to use.  
James even started including starving beavers at one point!  
 _*SHUDDERS*  
_ Don't even get me started on beavers...

Despite this, James was going red! It may have just been anger, but whatever. He was definitely resembling the red disgusting fruit.  
(I don't like tomatoes. I especially don't like looking like them.)

WOO HOO! STEP TWO DONE!  
*DOES EVIL VILLAIN LAUGH!*

With that colour on his face, I was already halfway there to completing step three.  
ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO!  
Now, being the genius that I am, I had the AMAZING BRILLIANT FANTASTIC idea to nick James' Invisibility Cloak.  
You didn't know that he has one?  
Well, he does. Let's get on with the story.

Being the kind soul that I am, I didn't want to go the Healers at St Mungos any extra stress that they might feel while putting me back together for my funeral. In short, if I hadn't been wearing that Invisibility Cloak, I would be dead. Hexed into oblivion. Dead.  
Dead as a dodo, whatever that means. Remus likes to say it.

With Miss Evans, I knew that she was going to be a tough nut to crack, especially seeing as she was SUPER mad at me at this point.  
Luckily, I know how to dance the Nutcracker.  
I was a excellent Sugar Plum Fairy.

I crept on the target, wearing the Cloak of course, with Remus trailing behind, rolling his eyes so hard that I'm sure he could see his brain.  
"Heellloooo Miss Evans!" I spoke...no, I wailed! In my best ghost voice. It was very scary, I'm sure.  
"What do you want?" My, my, she sounded cross. I almost lost my nerve, but then I reminded myself that I was doing this for my best mate.  
"Mr Poooottttteeerrrrrr haaaasssss soooomethingggg heeeee wiiiisheeeessssss tooooo teeellllll yoooouuuuu!"  
"In English, please."  
I gave up with the ghostly wails. My throat was starting to hurt.  
"James wants to let you know that you look nice...I mean hot...I mean great, yes great today."  
"OK, so who is telling me this, and why can't I see you?"

I did some incredibly quick thinking and came up with a great new identity that solved the invisible problem.  
"I am the ghooost of Valentine's Past!"  
"Valentine's Day was two months ago."  
She did a thorough brain inspection, like Remus is so fond of doing.  
"That's why I said _PAST_."  
Her fists were clenched under the table, so I knew I needed to hurry it up a bit.  
"But that's besides the point. I am here to let you know that James Potter thinks you are hot and sweet and helpful and have nice legs and have a good taste in underwear-"  
"WHAT?"  
"Ok, just kidding with that last one. Anyway, he wants you to know that your eyes are very...green? And your hair is very...red. And your freckles are cute. And that Lily Potter sounds great. So, James Potter and you should snog and have lots of little babies called Sirius and he'd like to see your-"  
"SIRIUS ORION BLACK! I don't know how you're doing this, but if you don't SHUT UP and LEAVE ME ALONE to RE-WRITE my Potions essay, then I will hex you into OBLIVION. WITH BEAVERS!"  
* _SHUDDERS*  
_ Beavers...

Lily Evans was about as red as her hair at this point. Which is, by the way, very red.  
Once again, it may have been anger, but she was very flushed too, by now.  
WOO HOO! STEP THREE ACCOMPLISHED!  
*DOES EVIL VILLAIN LAUGH!*

Now for hardest step: Leaving them alone together in a place with romantic lighting after acquiring both of their wands.  
A tall order, even for a highly intelligent wizard like myself.  
So I had to enlist the help of my favourite werewolf.  
Or, in his words, drag him in, kicking and screaming.  
There wasn't any screaming, but there was definitely some kicking. I'm going to have a killer bruise on my shin tomorrow morning.

After brain-storming, I came up with a neat bullet-point list that Remus _so kindly_ has added to.

* _Lure James out by shouting "QUIDDITCH!" really loudly.  
_ **Wow. I am in awe of your intelligence.**  
* _Grab his wand and push him into the nearby broom cupboard.  
_ **There is no broom cupboard near to the Gryffindor tower for a REASON, SIRIUS!**  
* _Use Remus to ask Lily if she wants to go to the library to escape the noise and get her outside the common_ room.  
 **NO! NO! YOU ARE NOT ROPING ME INTO YOUR MAD-CAP SCHEME TO TORTURE TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS! NO! I FORBID IT! NO!  
** _*I will skilfully ambush her and grab her wand, before shoving her into the same broom cupboard as before and locking the door.  
_ **IT IS IMPOSSIBLE! IT CANNOT BE DONE! I WILL NOT HELP YOU! I VALUE MY LIFE!**

Unfortunately for Remus, and fortunately for me, Lily got up a minute later, apparently going to the library! What a stroke of luck!  
I never said it was good luck, though.

We went outside, and Lily was walking down the corridor, so I yelled, "OI! LILY!"  
Then I promptly hid behind Remus, who looked like he was going to go all _werewolf_ on me.  
"YES! WHAT DO YOU...Oh, Remus. Yes?" She looked very confused.  
I can't blame her, honestly. My voice is much nicer-sounding than Remus'.

"That wasn't me, Lily...that was...umm...the Ghost of Valentine's Day Past."  
Wow, Remus looked embarrassed. He could definitely have joined the TLC.  
"Right. Okay then. I'm just going to go...I'm going to the library, if you want to come?"  
I prodded him the back, so he started walking, and I threw on the Invisibility Cloak.  
"YEAH! I mean, yeah, that would be great."  
"Right. Okay then."

When we reached the broom cupboard, I leaned around and yanked it open, and Lily turned around, even more confused.  
"Let me guess, that's the Ghost of Valentine's Past again."  
"It's funny, maybe he's more active...two months after Valentine's Day, I mean, you never know, right?"  
Lily shook her head in bemusement, and I took my chance.

Grabbing her wand, I panicked slightly as she whirled around, and Remus looked shocked as I pushed her into the broom cupboard, slammed the door, and locked it with a flick of my wand. "WE'RE VERY SORRY LILY!" I shouted, "BUT YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE!"  
Remus punched me on the arm, which was wasn't very nice, really.  
But I forgave him, because I don't know how to make walls transparent, and he does, and I wanted to be able see the grand finale in action.  
Lily was yelling, very loudly, but I honestly couldn't be bothered to silence her. That pretending-to-be-a-ghost business had tired me out.  
"REMUS LUPIN! WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S LEFT SOCK ARE YOU DOING? AND SIRIUS BLACK! YOU BETTER START RUNNING!"  
She is just a little bit scary.  
A little bit.  
She would make an excellent Auror.  
ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO!

I followed her advice, and started running, partly because she could probably break down the door using wandless magic if I left her there for too long, and partly because I needed to get James out here before he went out to the Quidditch pitch. I followed through with my plan too, and yelled very loudly, "QUIDDITCH!"

Sure enough, (Remus couldn't believe it) James came bursting out of the Gryffindor common room.  
"SIRIUS! SHUT UP! If Lily heard you, well...she's mad at you enough as it is!"  
"If only you knew..." Remus muttered, but it was a very loud mutter, and James heard him and looked worried and started asking lots of paranoid questions like "What have you done?" and "Where has she gone?" and "You do know that she will turn you into a beaver?"  
* _SHUDDERS*  
_ I do not like beavers. At all.  
If you hadn't noticed.

Getting James in the broom cupboard was a lot easier, seeing as he is less suspicious of us, and also has been in love with Lily since fifth year.  
He heard her yelling, freaked out, ran around like a headless chicken for a minute, then resumed freaking out.  
"She's going to kill you...both of you! And I need Remus' notes for History of Magic!"  
His concern for us is touching.

Whipping open the broom cupboard door, Lily just had the chance to exclaim in surprise as the door slammed open before I snatched James' wand and shoved him in too. There was a moment of shocked silence, and then they both started yelling in unison.  
Talk about an awesome power couple.  
"SIRIUS BLACK! I WILL CASTRATE YOU! I WILL FEED YOUR DISMEMBERED MANHOOD TO WOLVES!"  
"IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL HELPING?"  
"REMUS LUPIN! I EXPECTED BETTER OF YOU!"  
"BOTH OF YOU BETTER START RUNNING!"

They both shut up in unison too, to the point that I thought Remus might have Silenced them, but then I decided that he wouldn't, because he wants them to get together as much as I do, and is as nosy as I am when it comes to our friends. Remus mutters some long complicated-sounding spell, and part of the door seemed to vanish, so we could see both of them, James doing his best to pace in a 2m by 2m cupboard and Lily perched on a bucket, trying her best to pick the lock.

We must have looked really stupid, crouching down outside a broom cupboard at one o'clock on a Saturday.  
And they say that I sacrifice nothing for my friends!

"Any luck with the lock?"  
"No. Gits must've locked it magically."  
"Prats."  
"Oh, and Sirius has your Invisibility Cloak."  
 _"_ What? How do you...how do you know that I have one?"  
"Oh, I've been stealing it since third-year to go down to the kitchens with Marlene."  
"Right." James looked dumbfounded, and I was getting frustrated.  
SHE steals the cloak without asking, and he doesn't react. I steal the Cloak and I wake up with my hair bright GREEN!

"Why would they do this anyway?"  
"Because...reasons?"  
" _Reasons._ Wow. I am in awe of your incredible intellect."  
"Anyway, Lily, I've been thinking-"  
"WOW! NO, WAIT EVERYONE! Hold onto your seats for James Potter's brain's first and last performance!"

I busted out laughing at that, and Remus punched me again.  
He really has a problem, that boy.

"Lily!"  
"Yes!"  
"I was wondering whether...OK, so I know that this might be a bad time-"  
"You _think_?"  
James resembled a tomato once again,  
"I was wondering whether...whether...whether, you ummm...wanted to..."  
"Spit it out, James."  
"I was wondering whether you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me?"

And the entire castle collectively held it's breath.  
I mentally started trying to remember how to do CPR.  
Remus started chanting healing spells under his breath.

And Lily Evans did the unthinkable.  
"Ok."

My jaw dropped. Remus gasped. Everyone in the castle gasped.  
 _LILY EVANS_ had agreed to _go out_ with _JAMES POTTER_ to Hogsmeade!  
James looked in danger of having a heart attack.

"What? What...what did you say?" He spluttered, probably spraying Lily with spit. Luckily, she didn't seem to mind.  
"I said 'OK'. I'll go out with you."  
James Potter's mouth open and closed, but no sound came out. Then he recovered his vocal cords.  
"But...but..."  
"I remember that I once said if you kept saying 'but', I'd turn you into one."  
"But...you'll actually go out with me?"  
"Yep."

Lily Evans stood up and did the unthinkable.  
Ooooh, it make me squeal just writing it.  
She kissed him.  
And James Potter dropped dead from sheer happiness.

No, seriously, when they finally broke apart, he had a smile as big as the Grand Canyon.  
Lily's wasn't far off either.  
Next to me, Remus was imitating a fish. Mouth open, closed, open closed.  
He turned to me, and I was pretty sure my face was going to split open from smiling so hard.  
"One of your...one of your plans...they actually worked!"  
"I know, right!"

I got up, chucked him James and Lily's wand, and started doing my happy dance.  
Little did I know, Remus had opened the door.  
"SIRIUS ORION BLACK THE THIRD, GET YOUR SORRY BEHIND OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

I'm exhausted. When they team up, they really are unstoppable.  
I've been running for hours.  
* _RUBS HANDS TOGETHER IN PLAN-MAKING MODE*  
_ Remus really would go well with my cousin Nymphadora Tonks...

*DOES EVIL VILLAIN LAUGH!*  
It's time to make another PLAN...

 **Hello! Reviews are appreciated! Any comments, if you liked it, favourite, follow and review!  
I'm not sure whether to write another chapter, maybe about Lupin and Tonks, or maybe another one about James and Lily, so let me know if you want to see that.  
Many giggles,  
She-who-loves-fanfiction xx**


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